I desire to be authentic in my journey as I travel what we call life in this foreign land. I feel led to do this so that those of you who do not deal with same-sex attraction issues might have better understanding of those who do and so that you might have a better understanding of how you can reach out to them in a redemptive way. Also, I feel we often think we are the only ones who struggle in certain ways or we are the only ones who deal with certain things. I want you to know you are not alone with your own struggles and needs. So, I am willing to remove my mask and be transparent and vulnerable. I feel this is the call that GOD has put on my life and I feel it is His call to the authentic Church (Hebrews 10:19-25; This is a Romans 7 experience.)
A major struggle that individuals who are impacted by same-sex attraction issues experience is a deep sense of loneliness. This is certainly one of my on-going battles. Oh, the LORD has blessed me with an incredibly wonderful family and He has given me some wonderful friends and I am deeply grateful.
This is a longing that comes from the depths of my soul that can only be satisfied by GOD Who is Sovereign Creator and Lover of My Soul. I believe I experience this longing primarily because GOD put it in me in order to pursue Him and to know Him relationally and intimately. Other factors that contribute to it are the woundings from early childhood developmental years which also contribute to low self-esteem and believing a lie that I am unacceptable and unloveable but even there GOD ordained it to be so.
In times when my flesh is weak and frail (as it is often) I walk in unbelief and attempt to meet these inner longings with the offerings of this world. But none of these worldly offerings bring complete ultimate satisfaction. Please understand I am not speaking about mere sexual longings and pleasure. We make attempts for peace and satisfaction in many ways other than through sexual expression.
The LORD is pursuing us (Hosea, Song of Solomon) to enter into a a holy and wild intimate relationship with Him that will completely fill our deepest longings. Nothing in this world will or can. Oh, but we continue to walk in battle because the Enemy is also pursuing us with his lies and deception and he knows just what buttons to push.
So, we are in spiritual warfare. The crux of the warfare centers around who do we believe. Are we believing the lies of the Enemy? Or, are we walking in belief about who GOD is and who He has declared that we are in Christ Jesus? We must go to GOD’s word and ask, “LORD, Who are You in this circumstance?” We go to God’s word not to gain intellectual understanding but to relationally know who GOD is and to hear who He is declaring we are in Christ.
My heart and my soul is passionately and deeply crying in pain for ultimate peace and love. GOD hears my cry: “From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For You have been a Refuge for me, a Tower of Strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings” (Psalm 61:1-4). . . and he answers! Let’s not stop crying out to Him. He is Faithful and He fulfills every promise. We can trust Him. He will listen and He will hear and He will answer (Jeremiah 29:12-13).
While driving home last night after dinner with a friend I listened to the Brooklyn Tab cd, “Hallelujah! The Very Best of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.”
“My Help” by The Brooklyn Tab
I will lift up mine eyes to the hills
From whence cometh my help
My help cometh from the Lord
The Lord Which made heaven and earth
He said, He will not suffer thy foot; thy foot to be moved
The Lord Which keepeth thee
He will not slumber nor sleep
For the Lord is thy keeper
The Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand
Upon thy right hand
For the sun shall not smite thee by day
Nor the moon by night
He shall preserve thy soul
Even forever more
All of my help
Cometh from the Lord
Longing for Home and Fighting the Difficult Battle to Believe,